The title alone served as your warning, this will be a rant post. :)
You've probably heard of people (or perhaps experienced this yourself) when they were in college, some already on their 2nd, 3rd and oh my even 4th year suddenly or finally shifting/transferring to a different course or school. I never thought I would have the same desire. I thought I was happy with the course I took, even daydreaming to the possibilities once I graduate. But for the past few months, thoughts of a different ...path keeps coming on to my head.
You see, I'm currently on my 2nd year taking up Fashion Design at DLS-CSB. Don't get me wrong, the school is great. I'm not having a hard time at all. But for some reason, I've been feeling a bit put off by it all. Taking up fashion design, possibly becoming a designer and all that doesn't hold the same appeal as it did before. I don't feel inspired. I don't feel motivated. Not to mention I'm not much of a
super fashionista. It's not that I lack style, actually I've already identified my kind of style when it comes to dressing. I'm more of a black and white minimalistic girl. Simple, really. I'm not sure if that's some kind of sign that I'm not fit to be in fashion. I just feel a bit...shallow. I'm not saying that the industry of fashion is shallow. What I'm saying is that the reasons why I took up Fashion design are shallow. I picked the course for all the wrong reasons and it feels wrong and unnatural to me. You know how when you love something and you have true a passion for it, you'll do everything so you could keep doing it. You won't feel lazy and you won't feel like you have to do it cause you're supposed to. I guess I'm just afraid of trying to pursue something that I know I won't excel in. Well I'm not really sure yet cause I haven't even tried -_-I guess I don't wanna pursue something I can't really fully commit till the end.
Right now, the thought that keeps swirling in my head is
I wanna take up Journalism instead or Communication Arts. Yes, journalism. That's what I wanna pursue. Or at least that's what I think I want. Actually journalism really was my first choice. It's the first course that interested me, along with Comm arts. I love to write, to read, to talk. I liked the idea of working at a magazine or a well known newspaper someday. The media industry also held my interest because I would love to learn more of photography and film. But because of my lack of preparation, I wasn't able to get into the school really want so I could pursue journalism. So I ended up in Fashion Design, my second love.
That's why right now, I'm having a hard time trying to understand myself. I don't wanna make another mistake and regret it again later. My mistake was that I didn't try hard enough. I didn't prepare for my entrance exams. And I gave up too easily. I knew deep down in my heart that I could be studying Journalism right now at UST if I wasn't so stupid. Stupid in a sense that I didn't anticipate how hard it would be. I'm not exceptionally smart but I do know I have the potential. I know I could do good if only with the right amount of guidance and motivation.
Which bring us to the main issue: If I should transfer? I've already wasted two years, not to mention the hard earned money my parents payed. They've been so very supportive about my choices and it terrifies me once the time comes that I have to tell them these thoughts I've been having. But for me, the more important issue is if I can even get accepted as a transferee. If ever I do try, I'm thinking of UP or UST for Journalism and DLSU for Comm Arts. Just the name UP terrifies me already and immediately pushes negative thoughts in my head. I can't even pass UST's freshmen entrance exam,
pano pa kaya sa UP?? Ugh it's an old habit that dies hard. I keep thinking of the negative outcome first, not even giving myself a chance to try because I'm afraid to fail.
But I thought, why not just try? I'm only gonna apply, no harm in that right? It's not like I
hate my current course. Actually it's fine with me...but then again I don't love it. I don't love it enough. I still have time to prepare and reach each school's criteria for transferees. For UST, my best chance is if I start all over again and apply as a freshman (which is a dreadful thought) and for UP, all I need is a 1.75 GWA along with their own discretion whether I'm worthy enough to be called a UP Journalism student (Oh my God that sounded better than I thought). In the end, I realized that this will all depend on me (well and my parents too, of course. Haha) If I'll have the perseverance and will power to do the best I can then I can do it, I will be a UP journalism student. Thinking back, from all my past mistakes, may it be that lost opportunity to showcase my first collection in a major fashion show or that "crush that could have been my boyfriend", they all boiled down to me immediately expecting the worst. That I couldn't do it, I won't be good enough. Therefore stealing myself the wonderful possibility of success and happiness.
Whoooo. It feels good to finally get this off my chest. To share this than keep it all locked up inside. For now, I guess I've got a lot more thinking to do. This is my future life we're talking about, lol. I just have to make sure that this image I'm seeing right now in my head, of me walking UP's halls with my arms full of books become a reality :)
Cheerio!
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